Achieving gives great feeling

Oh!finally the day has come.Science has always been intruging to me.I see it happening it all around.And tomorrow it will be my first day in lab as PhD research scholar.Its very exciting feeling.Its like u are headding off for some expedition.I know most o the people find studying so much very boring.But i see Phd as playing with science with all the knowledge i have till date or probably even more gaining more of it so that u can be a good playing in this field.I will get to work on my own topic.on which no one has ever worked upon,and im sure of mu capabilities that whatever i come up with.one day people will dig in all the internet infromation science resources to find what i workeed on and how i did it.To gain from my work.Well doesnt sound like a noble prize but I am very excited about it.I know many people would not get my percception and would see it as insanity,but cant help it....they choose to see it in this way and nor i care about it.

I always wanted to do this,yup although things were bit unclear earlier but now i see where i wanna go,and im sure i will reach there.

I still has friends scraching for this position and more over havnt cleared preliminary requirements to be eligible.And this also adds a flavour to my success,Ahh! can't say that it taste like over confidence or over proud else..but yes i am proud of myself,cause where i am today it because of my strength and confidence.Like anybody else i have seen hell lot of crises,financial,family troubles,personal problems and loosing on confidence too.But there was something which made me to go further whether it was inch by inch or by leaping,i was moving.yes sometimes it seemed like evrything has come to rest and im stagnant.But actually it was not so.There are people who have encouraged me on this path and also some people who have discouraged a lot!!...but what the hell..damn with those and im proud and way ahead of them.And yes what i believe made me to be deaf to these people and pushed myself further was trust on my self,on shivjiji and my abilities,just optimism worked everything for me!!.

Ahh!! cant stop myself from saying im feeling proud.well getting phd in it self is great but my problem which i faced during my endeavour has added a fabulous flavour,a flavour of fighter!!

shayad yehi hai zindagi

कशमकश की दौड़ में उलझी सी है ज़िन्दगी

इस दौड़ में भागते इंसानों में धुँन्ध्ती है किसी अपने को ज़िन्दगी,

कभी अकेलेपन से दूर,तोह अभी अपनो से दूर भागती है ज़िन्दगी,

बनाती है अन्जांनो से ये रिश्ता

तोह कभी तोड़देती है अपनो से ही नाता

कमी को दूर करने को भागती रहती है खुद से

लेती है ज़ख्म अपने ऊपर,

मगर फिर भी रखती है मुस्कराहट अपने चेहरे पे

शायद डरती है खुद की सचाई से

आईना दिखती तोह है,पर छुपे हुए चेहरे को ढकने के लिए

छूता है कोई गहरई में जाके

तोह रोक नहीं पाती है आसुओ के समंदर को,

तडपती है खुले अस्मा के निचे,

रोत्ती है थोड़े से और आसमा के लिए

कभी खुद को ही अनजानी सी लगती है,तोह कभी पहचानी सी

देखके भीड में अपने से चेहरे को कभी खिल भी जाती है

तोह कभी अपने से ही बागती है ये ज़िन्दगी.

मुझे तोह समझ नहीं आ पाती है

पर फिर भी हँस देती हु में इसके खेल पे.

शायद सोचके ये

के कभी तोह मेरे साथ चलेगी ये ज़िन्दगी

loving myself!

A phenomenon involving the perplexed feeling of loosing all your hopes in one second and then in just next second seeing a bright new sky filled with favourite colours has happened to me a great number of times. In pessimistic moments I have become most disappointed and realise that I do not have courage of fighting further, but somehow from the box of surprises a new surprise unfolds having the answers to my almost every question.These days I have suffered through the ups and downs of the life and every turn has taught me a new lesson which will definitely help me in fighting further.

I have been applying for the PhD position here in India.And I belong to a life science field.I am happy to be part of this huge industry,no matter if its not so good paying industry in the beginning but still i love it and I'm glad that I choose it.But coming back to today's reality,that it is not that easy to get a good PhD position,in your area if interest most importantly.But now when I see my dreams on the verge of coming to reality,I am feeling little greedy for more better position,in terms of more challenging work,more exposure,more freedom etc.Well I am glad I have greed for more better work.

Just loving myself and proud too by analyzing my abilities to fight through the odd times and still achieving what I wanted to.I am in fact surprised by the spirit of fighting that I have been nurturing and I could not recognize it completely,I have seen glimpse of it in my past.But now I realize that I am very strong from inside and even in the times of despair I just have to keep pushing myself gently until I reach at the edge from where I can take off like a bird and fly in the sky filled with my favourite colours.

Been in wrong place.

I'm sure lot people suffer through the feeling of being in the wrong place at wrong time.But its been happing to me a lot these days along with the dominant feeling of being with wrong people.I m not sure whether I m correct when i detach myself from them completely or i try my best to do so.In past 2-3 months i have lost many friends.Because according to my perception i saw their real face.Two of them girls who did absolutely bitchy thing and after that i really cannot even think of calling them friends or even casual friends.Well the issue dint involved any cat fight over a dumb guy,but was the absolute projection of greed, mis-management and meanness.And then a heart break and then loosing two close male friends.So in total have lost 5 friends in a row in short span of time.And currently in a preplexed opinion for my very close friend.But making friends and fighting with them is quite normal,but since its happing quite fast thus it forced me to think over my past acts carefully,cause i believe if I'm wrong somewhere then i should correct it cause i don't want to loose more friends .When i sit back in a room in my chair and try to look through my acts and try to figure out where was i wrong?..I find yes i have been following some principles which probably just exists in the books or in dos and dont of behaviour..I should not care about whether people around me are really good from within or are just faking it.It should not matter me how they are or are not.Its not necessary you find man with the principle type of a species.I guess they are extinct now.So should i just take care of my business.I have till now believed in being friends with people who are like jewels.Rare to find them.But what i cannot take is when they act different from the things they speak.Absolutely Hippocrates!!

But i guess from now on i have to be bit on neutral side and be easy on people.Sometimes i should consider superficiality of people,after all is more pleasing and not trust them completely.Should stop myself from always asssessing them.after all i have better things to do...and in the end just should Keep my senses in active state with a smile.

Give a change to yourself

Everything in life is achieved only when hard work which is equivalent to the need is done.The fear of losing comes in the minds of every individual.In some it actually becomes a fear and in some it becomes the strength.The perception depends upon the person.The perception is very small process but it completely changes the life of the individual.For being good at perception its very important to be optimistic.Just being positive at thought can save a person from being at wrong places or taking wrong decisions.

These days i have been observing life from a very small focus but having a great magnification of the intricacies of its knotty meshwork.I have seen people changing their attitudes,their decisions,their likes,their status.Basically have been looking at the dirty side of the life where people around you or whom you depend upon change themselves and you realise that you been a world biggest fool by hanging around them and counting on them.And the most difficult thing to do at this point is to be optimistic.

So sometimes i wonder How to be optimistic?

Its not always easy to be looking at a glass with half filled perception. When life starts mixing colours which you don't like,its really difficult to look at an ugly picture and boost in front of your friends how cool your life is!

The answer is just around.And the simple ways of fading out those not so loved colours out of picture is:

first believe in yourself that you have a magic eraser,and this eraser is nothing but your will power or in simple words ‘YOUR LOVE FOR YOURSELF’

secondly stay away from things you don’t like and get intimate with things you love.It could be anything like staying away from your guy and being close to your dog.(well good thing is you are not changing the breed). But jokes apart this technique really help you from getting out of the mess.

Third,talk to people,whether you do it by chatting or by increasing your phone bill.But don't fake on it.because the purpose is to give a vent to your depressing thoughts and letting the fresh breeze in.So just don't fake by saying I'm doing cool these days etc etc.don't worry about whether he/she going to talk to you again or not.if they don't,simple they dint deserve to be in your friend list.

And fourth would be,just do things which you haven't done before and you knew you have always wanted to do them like learn driving,watching first day first show of a movie etc.

I believe these four steps are enough to bring a glimpse of optimism in a person.

I'm trying these remedies presently,and going fro first day first show for the movie first time in my life tomorrow.

Hope for best,nothing to loose,just to be a winner as i was born to be.

निदा फाजली

बदला न अपने आप को जो थे वही रहे
मिलते रहे सभी से मगर अजनबी रहे
दुनिया न जीत पाओ तो हारो न ख़ुद को तुम
थोडी बहुत तो ज़हन में नाराज़गी रहे

अपनी तरह सभी को किसी की तलाश थी
हम जिसके भी करीब रहे दूर ही रहे

देखा हुआ सा कुछ है तो सोचा हुआ सा कुछ
हर वक़्त मेरे साथ है उलझा हुआ सा कुछ होता है यु

साहिल की गीली रेत पर बच्चो के खेल-सा हर लम्हा मुझ में बनता बिखरता हुआ सा कुछ

निदा फाजली

icchjha

Sometimes I want to be a baby
With some fingers measuring my toes
Some making funny faces to amuse me.
And some keeping their fingers in my palm
Waiting for me to hold it.

Sometimes I want to be an old lady
Moving my finger tips on my wrinkles.
Measuring my happiness in the depth
Of lines around my lips.
Reaching the experiences of my life in the past
Remembering the incidences by looking at the scars
Taking small steps like a child
Walking till they halt.

Sometimes I want to be a mother
Feeling tiny legs and heart beats in my womb.
Feeling the pain as it moves every inch.
Feeling my skin just next to mine.
Feeling my blood out of my veins
Kissing what I will love the most
For the rest of my life.

एनिमल्स